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It’s back! As Told By The Fans! This is a series I started over at Cowboys Ride For Free, but thought it would be a lot of fun to continue here. The way this works is I wade through the joy, depravity, excitement, and sorrow that are game threads for the matchup of the week, and select the best comments to tell the story of the game. The Longhorns are up first, but remember, next week it could be your team and we could all be enjoying your hot takes!

In the beginning we can pretty much tell what’s happening, but as things got out of hand, it becomes harder and harder to figure out what’s taking place on the field; other than misery. Lots, and lots of misery. Misery loves company though, so enjoy the red-hot takes as we kick off this season of “As Told By The Fans”!

Let’s get started. Here are the best comments from Burnt Orange Nation and Barking Carnival.

Pregame

TEXXXXASSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe we will win this game!

Shock the Nation Tour 2015 begins tonight

Interesting stat on LHN, in 5 different games last year Texas only converted (1) 3rd down conversion in 2nd half. Yikes.

That was just Charlie’s master plan to get Notre Dame over confident

I’m trying to keep an open mind on Swoopes, but there’s a lot of scar tissue.

Charlie wearing a shirt with a collar. I’m extremely disoriented right now…

Watching the game preview on NBC Sports Channel. Of course it’s a homer network, but they pretty much have this game wrapped up for the Domers. They don’t seem to think too much of our football team. If this sort of attitude has spread down to their team; I think we stand a pretty good chance to get the upset. Hook ’em!

“Notre Dame Fighting Irish of Notre Dame” NBC must be contractually required to say “Notre Dame” a lot

Make it a drinking game, if you dare…

Lots of burnt orange in the stadium

Time to kick some Irish [behind]!!!

Ha! Their QB’s last name is Zaire. That’s not even a country anymore! They have no chance!

OMG Texas ball, y’all

Successfully executed coin toss…check

Kickoff

Good kickoff…Check

Nice start – we’re going to have to throw 20 different looks at them up front

[Malik] Jefferson is everywhere

Malik scared them into a false start!

They blinked.

Defense looks disciplined. No running lanes for Zaire

That’s some heart by Swoopes on the run.

Now that is a running QB!

3rd down was embarrassing. Time of possession about 12 seconds.

Tyrone can take the snap, fall forward, and get 5 yards.

Way to use your size, Tyrone

Bad punt

Punting is going to be an adventure this season.

Is there something I don’t know about Australian rules football that would make that a good kick?

About that O-line…

Well, they didn’t get anybody killed.

Malik couldn’t shed the block in time.

Nice wrap up by Hughes

Too much time in the pocket

No pressure

Safeties aren’t reacting up on balls in front of them, but that was an absolute O-fer moving an O-lineman backwards on the pass rush.

What are we accomplishing by having our secondary IN the end zone?

Well, someone has to host the welcoming party…

Should have been a delay penalty

Poor rush + big 12 officials = TD

Play clock ran out. How was that not called??

If our strategy is to rely on Big XII officials… We’re screwed.

Haines wasn’t even close

I’m liking our defense on 1st and 2nd downs a lot better than on 3rd downs

ND’s WRs are legit, unfortunately.

Zone isn’t working.

ND starting RB done for game

So much for letting Zaire stay in the pocket.

Swoopes made something out of nothing, 6 yards on 1st down is nice

Vahe got beat =(

Hurry up is a prob if you go 3 and out

The faster offense definitely gets to 4th down quicker.

No push upfront. woo. this is going to be a learning experience.

Vahe was whooped on the 3 and 1

ND’s left tackle is an amazing athlete. his lateral quickness is astounding.

This is all weird…has Gray run yet?

Nope

Excellent punt

I suppose a 3 and out would be out of the question

Feel bad for that Notre Dame RB

I feel worse for our defense

I’m starting to worry the ND offense has a decided blocking advantage

Nice play, Freeman!

Some freshman defenders showing up

No pressure whatsoever

Good grief

What is happening with our pass defense?

This is going to be ugly

Getting whipped

Not good when announcer says “throwing against air”

Geezus, this is gonna be bad

Our lines suck kitten balls on both sides. our secondary is brutal. I’m going to go outside and kill a neighbor. take it easy.

Sure hope you don’t live next to me!

Haines whiffed

What else is on?

So many missed tackles. poor angles.

Another TD. Poor tackling. I sure hope this doesn’t turn into another BYU debacle.

14-0 points, 14-0 first downs. Ye gods…

I thought the D was supposed to be our strength. So far….not so much. 95 yard TD drive.

Where is our pride?

At home studying with the secondary.

Charlie has some work to do

Wait all off season for this?

Well… [poop].

You couldn’t script a worse start.

We’re being sodomized on the outside by not having the numbers on sweeps and quick passes.

This is the kind of thing that happens when you can’t keep a drive alive on 3rd and 1.

Or play defense like a matador……Ole’!!

Can we bring back the offseason?

Goodness everybody… Calm down! It ain’t pretty, but there’s still a lot of football left.

[Dang], we’re just now getting to NBC announcing our starting lineup.

Heard is in!

1st down!

Gray, Daje, and Heard all in now

Did we have to spot them 14 before putting in the starters?

I like this Gray cat.

Finally get some momentum on offense and Charlie just lets the clock run out????

It would be cool if we can make it to their side of the field in this game.

At least the D is getting a rest …during this commercial break

Heard got whacked pretty hard.

Now it’s Heard’s turn to get screwed over by OL

Heard looked concussed

Are we going to just have a decade of [poop] o-line play?

If you go by what Wickline did at Oklahoma State . . .
Cowboys started putting up big numbers his third season in Stillwater. And they quit putting them up after he left.

Tyrone Swoops is so scared, please get him off the field.

Ugly. Real, real ugly.

We look really, really bad. Like, zero improvement from last year.

I think we’ve regressed…from the Arkansas game

Swoopes looks like deer in headlights.

I want college football to be fun again

Jefferson is a bright spot

There you go 46!

Malik is going to be a lot of fun to watch

Too bad we don’t have more Maliks.

Whew, Heard back in

Glad Heard is OK

oh lord

welp

My God, this is pitiful

I think that was a screen that didn’t screen.

There is really no excuse for this level of ineptitude…many FCS programs can at least run a serviceable spread offense these days

Welp, Yall have a good night. This game is not going to allow us to get an idea of what this team will be this year. I hope.

Suddenly the laundry room looks like a great way to spend Saturday evening

Notre Dame just wanted to work on FG

Stupid call by ND, with our defense I would’ve gone for it without blinking

So this first half is a disaster. I’m sure we’ll be out coached in the 2nd half

Re-kick… the break we needed!

[Heck] yes make them re-kick. Best chance to score at this point.

First down.

Just run it every down, please.

I stand corrected

oh man… our oline is bad

Have we completed a pass?

This makes me long for that offensive explosion we had in the bowl game.

Swoopes looks like he has bricks taped to his feet.

46 total yards so far… I guess that’s an improvement?

Technically, yes…lol

Akron is playing OU closer than we’re playing ND….

I’m starting to understand why the O-line looked better in practice.

Malik is so [dang] quick

Ugh – our first one on one pass rush victory and Jinkens blows it in the open field

Zaire is very good. I’m impressed.

Malik might be the most pure football player on this entire roster. I want to defecate on mack brown’s dashboard.

I see the tackling epidemic has struck again.

Is Rice any good this year?

no, thank God

To have waited this long and to be this bad again…. It’s an indescribable, soul-crushing experience.

Cal put up 73 pts today. So we have that to look forward to.

Jenkins makes up for his whiff.

We don’t even have time to target a WR down the field

Yes, Wickline got some ‘splainin’ to do.

[screw] it, switching to bourbon

Can’t even tell if our WRs are open

I can feel top recruits crossing us off their list as we speak

Midfield within our grasp!

OMG FOREMAN! WRONG EFFING WAY!

That last play was a nice microcosm of the first half.

Our brilliant “run around like a loose chicken until they facemask us” plan pays off

Did #3 not realize which end zone was theirs?

[poop], I forgot we even had receivers on this team.

Oh [poop]…FG try.

Rose can hit it from 70

WTF?!

Well, Rose may hit 3 50+ yarders here.

[Screw] you, Kelly……

No way he makes 3

Kelly is a piece of [poop]

Brian Kelly is an awesome guy.

This is some serious horse [poop] here.

huh, icing works

Kelly is that guy who would refuse to sell you that doughnut if you were a penny short.

We have 75 yards of offense. Powerful improvement from Arkansas game.

Gotta admit fellas, I don’t think we win the national championship this year. Just a feeling I have.

There will not be A national Championship with Strong.

There are like 3 ND linemen in our backfield on every snap

Halftime adjustments Get bigger stronger faster and more experienced

No 1st downs with Swoops in game says NBC.

Halftime (Notre Dame 17 – Texas 0)

30 passing yds in 1st half

Upset that I bought the rhetoric. We are in for the same result as last year, guaranteed.

oh god, i just remembered we were complete [poop] in the 3rd quarter last year.

3 and out

If this offense is designed to limit Swoopes from thinking then it’s a smash. because he’s uninterested in thought, looking for receivers, etc.

Swoopes should not play another down ever

I miss the days where texas football didn’t make me want to eat glass.

Just two more years, folks!

Swoopes has an arm!

yeah!!!!

GREAT SUCCESS!!!

Umm, where has that been?

John Burt…. yeah baby

I’m naming my next son Swoopesburt

OFFENSE!!!

2 straight runs up the gut…. give me a frickin break

We finally get a big play and then Watson calls two runs right up the middle

Can we recruit another WR with last name of Ernie? I really want Burt & Ernie on the field.

We should run those plays that don’t depend on the online blocking.

Swoopes chokes. Had Foreman open, no pressure, and overthrows.

Holy hell, you can’t miss that throw

Points. Thank God Almighty, free at last!

Nick Rose looks a lot better

On the board, baby!!

We scored in the third quarter!!!!

ND is in trouble now. 5 more field goals and we win.

I can’t figure out how the score is only 17-3. It feels like it should be 53-3.

You cannot simulate going down

So frustrating when that happens.

Announcers trying to convince viewers to not change the channel.

I’m trying to convince myself

Momentum has slowed down for notre dame, like a runaway train that has run out of track. I think we can make it close!

And now they go right down the field

Ridgeway got destroyed

I’m done

I thought you had him. No, I thought you had him.

Busted coverage

I feel like Duke should stay a pure cover CB, I feel like he focuses more on the run as a nickel and blows assignments like that.

I didn’t think I could see a worse defense than that of Manny Diaz… but here we are.

Pretty good timing on Patterson’s part to raise ticket prices.

I didn’t expect Texas to win but I didn’t expect an unprepared team either. The BS coming out of the staff during summer camp was just as bad as with Mack.

This is so sad

Think we should switch to a west coast offense

Uh oh… it’s 3rd and anything… they got us where they want us

I don’t think I can stomach yet another [poop] season life is too short to waste time subjecting myself to misery

Is it a point of honor to watch this [poop] show? It’s honestly painful.

It sucks to suck

WE WILL NOT WIN THIS GAME IF THIS CONTINUES

Is it just me or, are we not good at football?

What concerns me is that our guys look like they are just giving up.

CLEAN F-ING HOUSE From that joke Patterson on down.

Worst zone ever. no pressure. awful

Is this the wrong time to mention that Cal scored 73 today without trying very hard?

How many times has Duke Thomas been burned tonight?

Looks like they may not pull this out

I’m hoping for a safety here.

I’m hoping Rice isn’t very good

We don’t belong on the same field as ND, [heck] the same division.

ND is running a clinic

Has Vegas ever posted a spread by simply writing the word “enema?”

128 yards of offense, and 68 of those came on 2 plays, so 60 yards on 40 plays. Let that sink in.

So, let us count the positives
1. our kickoff team won’t be too tired.
2. our memory of VY lingers a little longer (10 years and counting…)
3. if we are Catholic, we can still go to heaven
4. Malik J is pretty good
5. I can still take down a dozen bourbons and pound out coherent sentences
6. I never subscribed to Ashley Madison
7. We may be able to recruit a QB who just wants to start at Texas immediately.
8. I’m still watching so I can sing the Eyes and tell myself that makes me a good fan… or something.

Maybe we’ll look better against their second team?

10 minutes left and ND has their scrubs in. Sobering.

I’m not getting any more sober

Second team is still beating us

Swoops has 4 completions. Seriously I could get 4 completions

I recorded this game and when I tried to delete it my tv said, “no, you deserve this.”

Getting chippy this late is bull[poop]

Late hits makes this team look even worse

Good to see all this discipline paying off

20 combined points in the last three games. Pathetic

Zaire was 19/22

I’m wondering if Swoopes will complete 19 passes all year.

I don’t believe Mack Brown could do worse.

Out coached, out played, out classed.

Final (Texas 3, Notre Dame 38)

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